By Tim Shin

April 1, 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Sean Spicer made a startling announcement during a White House press luncheon today, claiming that wiretaps are now being found throughout the White House — even in the president’s food.

Spicer stated, “The president is certain that Obama wiretapped his beloved Trump Tower, and we’ve heard from a ‘very credible’ source that there are now wiretaps throughout the White House.” He went on to say that there was no limitation on where these wiretaps could be found.

During the press luncheon, Spicer grabbed a fish off the plate of the person sitting next to him and proclaimed, “See? This is a camera, right here!” Spicer shook the fish and then pointed to its face. After several reporters remarked that he was pointing at the fish’s eye, Spicer disturbingly pulled the fish’s eye off and hurled it at the reporters. “Don’t you see? That’s what they’re trying to make you think! You guys are all idiots!”

Spicer’s deranged behavior reached a tipping point as he began to accuse the “dishonest media” as being collaborators and began citing different articles of food as being spying devices.

Spicer proclaimed a CNN reporter’s chicken cordon bleu was an audio tape recorder and a New York Times reporter’s éclair was a microphone. Convinced he had vindicated himself and the president regarding the wiretap claims, Spicer remarked, “Now I’ve caught all of you red-handed. Nunes is going to have a field day with you guys.”