By Tim Shin,
November 8, 2016
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Millions of Americans cast their votes today in a concerted effort to plunge the country into recession once again. After seven years of economic gains, including 80 consecutive months of private sector job growth resulting in 15 million new jobs, an unemployment rate below 5%, lower gas prices, historic profits for the airline industry, a rebounding housing sector, the best year ever on record for sales in the auto industry, reduced taxes for 95% of American families, and a rising median income, many Americans have decided they’ve finally had enough.
We had an opportunity to interview some of these voters. A man by the name of Dick stated, “I’m voting for Trump because his policies are very similar to Bush’s policies from 2000 – 2008, and that’s where we need to be.” He continued saying, “Sure, we’ve made some good progress the past several years, but it’s just not happening fast enough. I think we just need to crash the economy and start over.”
Another man by the name of Rush commented, “Look, we really need to institute trickle-down economics again. I mean, look at Kansas and the wonders that it did for them. Now we should apply this on a national scale. And Trump has tapped Kansas’ governor to advise him. Sure, the entire state economy of Kansas collapsed but that doesn’t mean anything.”
We were able to contact another voter by the name of William via Facebook on whether he thought Trump would make a good president. We received this response:
“i run a business he is a busines man we need no more living wage, no more tax on small business ans we need a shaker to shake the shit out of this country that is why i am voting for trump GO TRUMP GO TRUMP GO Donald J. Trump, NOT A LYING BIATCH.”
We inquired about how he felt about women in general but after receiving no response we asked if he thought Trump was truly qualified for president. He replied:
“I BELEIVE IS IS FULLY QUALIFIED FOR PRESIDENT – look at the asshole you voted for dump ass in the white house.”
We couldn’t fully comprehend his last incoherent response but concluded that “dump ass” is when you keep dumping your ass in places you shouldn’t. Like on a table when people are eating breakfast. For example: “Mark constantly dump asses his friends when they won’t pass the Tabasco.”
Still, others were less concerned about the fiscal aspects of this election and focused more on the social degeneration of America.
A man by the name of Mr. Garrison began his rant about gay marriage and its pending doom for civilization. “I tell you, the Republicans have it right about reversing marriage equality. Why do gays have to be equal in everything? Can’t they just settle for being second-class citizens? It’s so annoying!”
He went on to say, “Also, I totally support Republicans pushing gay reparative therapy. It’s totally, 100 percent worked for me and never does any psychological harm to its patients. I’m living proof.” He then began playing Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” song as he began singing and waving his finger in the air.
A woman who appeared to be a clone of Ann Coulter asked, “Why do we have still have Mexicans, and gays, and Black Lives Matter, and Muslims — and other women for that matter — still in this country? We just need to shut down immigration completely, because we should only keep this country to immigrants who can at least go back four generations. And that’s totally not inline with anything the Nazi’s did back you-know-when.”
The votes are still coming in and we have yet to see whether America’s attempt to eviscerate itself will become a reality. Stand by for the latest results.