By Tim Shin
Feb 11, 2020
NEW YORK, NY — A team reportedly disinvited a coworker from group lunches after she began forwarding long email threads without mentioning what they were about.
The coworker was identified by her first name, Jan. Despite the mass confusion and hysteria these emails caused, Jan continued to send them with reckless abandon. A few of her coworkers allowed us exclusive interview access during their lunch break to tell their story.
A coworker by the name of Carol toyed with her salad and stated, “Jan didn’t even say anything in the emails to us — she just forwarded the entire thread and expected everyone to figure it out themselves. I mean, who does that?”
Marsha, the office know-it-all responded, “Does Jan really expect everyone to read through this email thread from these twenty different people? I don’t even know who some of them are. Who the heck is Alice anyway? Does she even work here?”
Greg, an account executive, shook his head and added, “Does she think we have telepathy or something? I didn’t realize my second job was to be Sherlock Holmes. I’m digging for clues here on what to do. This is so annoying — she definitely can’t sit with us anymore.”
Bobby, a UX designer on the account asked, “OK, so should I leave to get started on the wireframes then?”
“No, Bobby,” responded Peter, a project manager on the account. “I spent nearly half an hour going through the email thread. Clearly, we’re not moving forward until we get the OK from the client.”
Mike, a creative on the team asked, “What email are we talking about again? I can’t think when I’m hungry.”
As no one on the team could agree on what the email thread was about or what steps needed to be taken next, we forwarded the email thread to Mensa International. We were able to obtain a response from Cindy, one of the members of the renowned high IQ society.
She stated that “After a thorough review and discussion amongst our Mensa members, we have determined that the email thread Jan forwarded to her team is indecipherable. And let’s face it, if we can’t figure this out, you plebeians definitely won’t be able to. Toodles.”
As we were going to press, Jan informed us that she continues to sit by herself during lunch, but that she misses her coworkers and is considering adding a subject line to her emails to see if that will redeem her.
These satire pieces are based on actual events. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Tim Shin is a freelance creative director and writer living in Brooklyn, NY. He dislikes writing about himself in the third person but has settled on the fact that he has to do it sometimes.